10 Truths About Being Single in Your 30s & 40s
At a friends wedding in Barcelona, May 2025
For as long as I can remember, women have been cast as the ones desperately chasing the ring —circling wedding dates on the calendar, scribbling different last names in their journals, dragging men to the altar like it’s their civic duty. Meanwhile, men were the commitment-phobes, clutching their bachelorhood like a limited-edition sneaker drop.
But here’s the plot twist no one saw coming: it’s not women who are racing to the altar anymore—it’s men.
According to a Pew Research Center study, only 34% of single women in the U.S. are actively looking for a relationship, compared to 54% of single men. That’s right. More women are swiping left, sleeping diagonally, and seriously rethinking whether they want to share a bathroom sink ever again.
Somewhere along the way, a lot of us stopped thinking of singlehood as the waiting room for real life and started treating it like the main event. This isn’t about disinterest. It’s about discernment.
So, whether you’re freshly uncoupled, a long-time soloist, or just tired of explaining why you’re not “putting yourself out there,” here are 10 unspoken rules of being single in your 30s and 40s— the ones they never taught us in school, but life made sure we learned anyway.
1. The fantasy of being saved? Retired.
Once upon a time, you wanted someone to sweep you off your feet. Now you just want someone who doesn’t make you anxious and also knows how to do his own laundry. Rescue is overrated. Emotional availability? Sexy.
2. Alone ≠ Lonely.
Yes, you eat dinner alone sometimes. You also sleep diagonally, watch whatever you want, and don’t have to explain why your skincare routine costs more than your car insurance. Solitude is not a punishment. It’s a privilege.
My peaceful working area
3. You’re not waiting. You’re building a life that already feels good.
You’re booking flights, deep-conditioning on Sundays, making dinner plans that don’t revolve around someone else's mood. If the right person comes along, wonderful. If not? Your calendar is still full—with people, hobbies, and choices that light you up—not just fill the time.
A girls dinner with friends in Denver
4. The “right” timeline is just a myth dressed up as a milestone.
Some people meet their person at 22. Some meet themselves at 37. Others rewrite everything at 45. There’s no universal sequence, no moral high ground for doing it “on time.” The only timeline that matters is the one that actually honors who you are—not who you were told to be.
5. Being 40 doesn’t make him emotionally mature.
He might own a toolset, but can he name a feeling? Can he stay present in a hard conversation without vanishing into thin air? Age isn’t a stand-in for emotional intelligence, and you’ve done too much work to play the role of therapist, teacher, or emotional translator. You’re not here to raise a grown man. You’re here to meet an equal.
6. Red flags now come with subtitles.
What you used to call “quirks,” you now recognize as patterns. If his last four exes were “crazy,” chances are he’s the common thread. And if you’re Googling “avoidant attachment” before the third date, you already have your answer. You don’t explain things away anymore—you trust what you see.
7. You know when it’s time to go—and you trust yourself when you do.
Whether it’s a date that feels hollow, a friendship that no longer feels mutual, or a space where you’re quietly made to feel less-than, you’ve learned to listen to yourself. You don’t wait for things to fall apart. You don’t beg to be understood. You simply recognize when something no longer affirms you—and choose to walk away with clarity, not chaos.
Traveling in Portugal, May 2025
8. You’re no longer seduced by surface.
Charm used to be enough. Now? Not even close. You’re no longer dazzled by a good smile or a clever joke if he can’t sit through a hard conversation without deflecting. You want depth, not performance. Emotional fluency is the new chemistry. Substance isn’t just sexy—it’s required.
9. You’ve built your own safety net—and it holds.
Maybe it’s your chosen family. Maybe it’s your morning routine, your group chat that never misses a beat. Maybe it’s the Pilates instructor who knows your name, or the journal where you tell the truth even when it’s messy, the volunteer work you do, your meditation group or the little garden you’re growing. Either way, you’ve stopped looking for someone to catch you—because you’ve learned how to hold yourself. A relationship would be beautiful! But it’s not the thing that makes you steady.
10. You’ve mastered the art of the personal plot twist.
Singlehood teaches you how to begin again. With grace. With grit. With the confidence of someone who’s lost a little, learned a lot, and come home to herself more than once. Reinvention is no longer scary. It’s a skill.